Definition: Spiderman Crotchedy

The state of being that results after Spiderman discovers Spiderman’s “spooky,” painted-Styrofoam gravestones that Spiderman spent hours meticulously setting up in Spiderman’s front yard, in the hope of frightening the bowel movements out of small children, have been shredded and deposited in various lawns up and down my, I mean Spiderman’s, street right after Spiderman spent the last 45 minutes trying to squeeze into last years Spiderman costume because he was too busy to get out and get a new costume before 10AM on Halloween morning.

Spiderman Crotchedy.

Crotchedy and all, yes, Halloween is still one of my favorite times of year! (OK, yes, I admit it. I have a lot of favorite times of the year.) It’s time to playfully scare the bejebus out of everyone you can find without the otherwise disastrous repercussions; when else can you jump out from behind bushes wearing a thin layer of bedding covered in ketchup stains to scare the wits out of a couple of 5th graders?

It’s time for ghosts, goblins, Justin Bebers, suspiciously older Harry Potters and Hermione Grangers that don’t quite fit into their outfits from 11 years ago, werewolves, frankensteins, way to many zombies and vampires. No, not the metrosexual “ooh, I feel sad” teenage heartthrob vampires, the real ones with capes, fangs, a fear of sunlight and the need to sleep in dirty-laden coffins... with teddy bears.

OK, I can see how that last bit about the teddy’s may have confused you a little bit. But that just means you have yet to (because everyone HAS to) play Transylmania, the action, platformer game where poor little Vamp Jr. is besieged by marauding townsfolk intent on inflicting unspeakable tortures against innocent little Zombie Teddy. This time, in Transylmania 2, the much more polished, incredibly more difficult followup to what I used to consider to be my favorite Halloween game, Transylmania. race to catch Dr. Faustoner and rescue poor Zombie Teddy, kidnapped from the safety of his comfy coffin in broad moonlight by the disgruntled townspeople wielding torches and pitchforks (what’s with that, right?).

Fly around as a bat and swoop down to snack on their succulent little necks turning them into zombies, who then, surprisingly, thoughtfully collapse into a pile of bones and wither away (aww, how nice). Speed through the forest on your undead carriage, avoiding flaming arrows from armored peasants on horseback (seriously? Talk about stubborn; can’t they just let a vamp alone?) Fly from pirate ship to pirate ship, snacking on wrank, swashbuckling pirate necks (watch out, they’re jumpy) while avoiding cannonball fire? (WTF?)  Dropkick easily beheaded, but surprising resilient when headless, Frankensteins and climb the doctors tower to discover exactly what the “good” doctor’s plans were for wee Zombie Teddy. Hint: it’s a giant, bio/polyester-engineered Teddy Monster!

Forget about the high scores though, Zeek Games, the creator has long since been defunct, bought, sold, bartered for and debunked (they had secrets). Which is an awful pity because I was really hoping for a Transylmana 3!